first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
