I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
