Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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