its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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