I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
