How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
