Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
