You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I pour the whiskey from now on
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
