If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
