I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
