Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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