just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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