Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
