i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
