Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i dont even know how to be here
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
