You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
