we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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