Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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