I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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