I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
