so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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