so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
