Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
