He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
