i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
