When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
