Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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