dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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