you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Randomize
