So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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