I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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