i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
