Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
