Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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