I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
