I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
