I puked a lego.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
