You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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