Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
