Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
