My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
