my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
