A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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