If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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