You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
