we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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