I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
