im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
