I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
