Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
