Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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