I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
