yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You pole danced in your parka.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
