also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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