dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
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