I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
