this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
